I Guess this is Anonymous? I try to always give credit so I guess the link will have to do...
http://www.loansafe.org/forum/loan-safe-lounge-anything-goes-here/11027-if-i-were-big-fat-bank.html
Dear Congressman,I wrote to you last fall asking for emergency help for the common folk. It's too late for me and millions of others. So just forget it. I will be foreclosed on next week. But before I hit the street, (and therefore, no longer one of your constituants) I wanted to send you a little essay I wrote.
If I were a BIG FAT BANK
by Cactus77727
April 15, 2009
This is how my foreclosure would go if I were a giant corrupt mega bank.
1) I'd be issued some magic crayons, and allowed to re-color my balance sheet, separate all my bad debt into a new entity, slap a grade AAA stamp on my ass, and then sell the old 'toxic me' to some schlep willing to buy it for pennies on the dollar. I'd get to keep that money, tax free of course.
2) I'd be issued a bag of credit default swap fairy dust. I'd sprinkle it on my foreclosed house, and I'd receive a $260,000 AIG insurance payoff for defaulting on my own mortgage debt.
3) I also would have already made a fortune, short selling the 'old me' stock until I had busted myself out.
4) I'd be allowed to change my name, and the 'new me' issued a new social insecurity card, a new FICO score at 850, an American Express Platinum card, a free trip to Vegas, $25000 in chips, and a coupon for a free lap dance.
5) The 'new me' would be given a brand new government guaranteed mortgage at 0.0000000000000000000001% interest, and allowed to purchase any home I'd like.
6) I'd be given a government backed business loan, at zero interest, and be allowed to start a new business. The new business would charge fees on unemployed citizens. Oh, my company wouldn't provide any valuable product or service. We just charge fees on unemployed people randomly without telling them. We will call it a 'desti-tuition fee' or some other word that confuses people. To be fair, people will be allowed to file an appeal to reverse the fee. However, their unemployment payments would be suspended until their appeal is completed. Appeals usually take, yep, you guessed it, about 26 weeks. And yes, there is a fee charged for filing that appeal.
7) I'd be sent to Grand Cayman Island via private jet, all expenses paid, to attend seminars on how to hide all my new assets from the IRS through off shore magic trickery. Plus unlimited two tank boat dives after the seminar.
8) Then, to top it off, I'd be given a new job as Ambassador to Iceland, complete with diplomatic immunity, a Viking helmet, and free parking anywhere.
I realize there will be no help for the American citizens. Then, now, or in the future. I sure paid tens, if not hundreds of thousands of taxes into the system over my life.
But no food stamps, no unemployment, no nothing for me. Tell me why should I pay taxes ever again? Nevermind, I still don't have a job, so I won't be paying them for the foreseeable future anyway.
If I get anything, I'll be served a plate of piping hot horse sh!t for the next seven to ten years, and I'll have to like it. Tell Uncle Sam thanks for nothing. And, that if I ever get the chance, I'd grab his beard and kick him in the nuts.
Good day to you sir.
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